Dr. Shirley – Why is my fiance such an idiot?

Dear Dr. Shirley,

Over the last two years, I have made every decision about our wedding – from location to florist to our bejeweled monogram cake topper, all with lackluster response. Now that we are in the final weeks of our engagement, it’s time for him to start contributing. He comes to me every time he makes a “major decision”, and is disappointed by my faint praise. “Congratulations on deciding to wear black socks, honey!” and “Yes, I think going commando is a brilliant and sexy idea!” – this is not enough for him. I am not sure what to do, I am burned out on this wedding and I just don’t care which way he parts his hair! What do I do?

Sincerely,

Unable to fake it anymore

Dear Unable,

The first thing that you must understand is that men are like babies. Horrible, rude little alien vampire babies who jump from teat to teat, sucking the youth and enthusiasm from any woman who will let them – starting with their mothers and ending, god willing, with you.

If you’ve read my book – Dr Shirley’s Guide to Teaching Your Man to Brush His Own Teeth, available at amazon.com – you will be familiar with my patented grading system for men. Men need to be encouraged and rewarded at the completion of even the most simple and basic task. Every time my Johnny makes in the bowl, I reward him with a licorice candy.

As mentioned in my book, your first priority needs to be on breaking him, both physically and psychologically – if you’re not sure how, ask his mom. This process can take several months, in the meantime, try what I call my shielding technique. Whenever your fiance begins talking about his accomplishments, counter with one of yours.

Example –

him:  oh hey I decided that–

you: I bought this awesome paper today. It is milled in Italy. It is a cream color – well it’s almost like a vanilla. I wouldn’t say it’s ivory, it’s a little more pink. It has a nice texture. This is because it is made from cotton fibers. I had to special order it.

him: ASLEEP

You’re welcome!

Dr. Shirley – My Future Mother in-Law is Ruining My Wedding!

Dear Dr. Shirley,

I have a serious problem. My future mother in-law will NOT listen to me about her dress! I told her that my colors are pumpkin and chocolate with HINTS of sage and lilac. My mother happily purchased a beautiful, floor length gown in pumpkin. Future mother in law bought a tea length dress in GRAPE! She is refusing to return it and buy one in the colors I have requested. What do I do?? I don’t even want to invite her at this point.

Sincerely,

Lilac is not Grape

Dear Lilac,

Before addressing your “problem” we need to talk about your issue with lying. First of all, no mother of the bride has ever “happily” done anything. The mother’s job is to break the bride emotionally, so that she is more accepting of her husband’s will. Second, I refuse to believe that such a thing as a “beautiful” pumpkin dress exists.

Regarding your problem: It is perfectly acceptable to have security escort her from the ceremony if she refuses to agree to your color choices. Do not worry about damaging your relationship with your husband’s family, they are probably all pretty old and will die before you.

Ask Doctor Shirley

Do you need help firing your Maid of Honor sister without pissing off your mom? Can you not get your fiance to understand the importance of the perfect shade of pink? How do you word BYOB on your wedding invitation? We don’t know the answers to any of these questions, but Doctor Shirley does. Email her at gethitchedaustin@gmail.com – make sure you put attention Doctor Shirley in the subject line so that we can route it to her. Doctor Shirley’s column will run on Tuesdays and Thursdays starting next week.