Dear Dr. Shirley,
I have a serious problem. My future mother in-law will NOT listen to me about her dress! I told her that my colors are pumpkin and chocolate with HINTS of sage and lilac. My mother happily purchased a beautiful, floor length gown in pumpkin. Future mother in law bought a tea length dress in GRAPE! She is refusing to return it and buy one in the colors I have requested. What do I do?? I don’t even want to invite her at this point.
Sincerely,
Lilac is not Grape
Dear Lilac,
Before addressing your “problem” we need to talk about your issue with lying. First of all, no mother of the bride has ever “happily” done anything. The mother’s job is to break the bride emotionally, so that she is more accepting of her husband’s will. Second, I refuse to believe that such a thing as a “beautiful” pumpkin dress exists.
Regarding your problem: It is perfectly acceptable to have security escort her from the ceremony if she refuses to agree to your color choices. Do not worry about damaging your relationship with your husband’s family, they are probably all pretty old and will die before you.
Look, you gotta give big props to the longhorns, even at your wedding. Otherwise, people will begin to suspect you of being an Aggie, or worse, an Okie. Good news! Since you were so unwilling to get the bevo shaped cake we begged for, you can show your UT pride with one of bluesapphire’s awesome longhorn garters. Oh, she will tell you that she makes other things too — ring pillows, monogrammed handerchiefs, even table runners. But you need this garter. We don’t want to see your special day ruined when a group of burly, shirtless men in facepaint show up to escort you out of the city.
For those of you still looking for bridesmaid’s gifts, we offer you 
The Chicken Cutlet – This picture illustrates why you need to sit in your dress before you leave your final fitting. If your cleavage migrates to your chin, your dress is not fitted correctly. If, as pictured, your bra peeks through your sweetheart neckline, your dress is not fitted correctly. If breathing causes you so much physical pain that you are forced to grimace in every photograph (humanely, not pictured), your dress is not fitted correctly. Also not pictured: If the back of your longline bra is exposed by a half inch in the back – you need a new bra. They’re called undergarments for a reason.
The Grand Canyon – This is more common than you would expect. The dress is too small – it barely fastens in the back. But it’s too big in the cups. This could have been fixed with a bigger size dress (or, loosening the lace up back, if applicable) and taking in the front darts on the chest. Dress sizes are decided based on your measurement, but the chest is tricky. For some reason, dress designers seem to believe that a woman with a 38 inch chest measurement has a 28 inch rib cage and ten inches of boob – which, you know. Wow. If you do, that’s great. If you don’t, you end up with a dress that you have to squeeze and pray and weep to zip – even though you have two inches of extra fabric in the front. Consider ordering a size bigger just in case – this problem is easier to prevent than to fix.
