Dr. Shirley – My fiance can’t remember my name!

Dear Dr. Shirley,

Recently, my fiance has taken to calling me a different name. It’s not the name of a former lover, as far as I know – I can’t determine if I should be offended! He said the thinks wedding planning has turned me into a different person. What do I do?

Signed,

Should I be offended?

Dear Offended,

Never ask anyone if you should be offended! The answer is always: Yes!  Being offended is one of the last joys the adult lady can allow. Revel in your offendedness. Enjoy!

Let me relate a story to you. In the thirty seventh month of planning our wedding, my Patrick took to calling me Louise. I don’t know who Louise is, and I was hurt by his actions. It took all of my book learning – my degree in brain science to finally realise what was happening. My fiance was in love with Louise. Louise had never, to his knowledge, openly weeped for receiving tiny swarovski crystals in sapphire instead of topaz. Louise didn’t know the difference between engraving and thermography.

Louise was, in short, a better partner for my Patrick. It comforted him to know that such a lady could exist, even as I drained his 401k.

Your fiance is sleeping with a lady he works with. If it makes you feel better, she is not enjoying it.

You’re welcome.